Okay, okay.
None of this actually “happened”, in the strict sense of the word. At least not to me.
Really, it’s just a mishmash of different personalities I follow on Instagram. “Influencers”, if you will.
They’re vegan, they’re dropshipping, they’re lifecoaching, they’re detoxing…
They’re doing all kinds of things I have no idea about.
(Also, don’t care about. Truth is, I’m just assuming that beet juice is really a thing. Gag me with a toilet brush.)
Anyway…
A vegan entrepreneur’s morning
7:45 – Wake up, head to bathroom. Discover that my poop still smells like lavender. Must be because I’m a vegan, location independent entrepreneur.
8:01 – Make myself a quick cup of fair trade coffee, grown by 12th generation artisan coffee growers on the steps of Machu Picchu.
8:09 to 8:54 – Spend 45 minutes trying to take the perfect picture of my legs, a Moleskine notebook, my laptop and coffee cup all artfully laid out on the bed. Upload to Instagram so that all those suckers in their offices can see it just as they’re starting work. #dowhatyoulove
9:00 – Decide to step out to the local vegan café for a vegan smoothie and some vegan avocado on vegan toast. Grab my laptop on the way out the door, in case I want to do some work later.
9:14 – Rope one of the baristas and into taking a photo of me at the big reclaimed wood table, apparently concentrated on my work to the exclusion of all else. Become frustrated when he takes 12 photos, then says he’s “too busy” to take more. The angle just wasn’t right! And what does he know about “busy”? He should try being a vegan entrepreneur for a day! Upload the photo anyway, so my fans will know what I’m up to. #thehustle
Are your yoga pants sustainable?
9:38 – Figure I might as well catch the 10 AM yoga class before sitting down to work. Good thing I’m already wearing my sustainable cotton stretch pants made using ethical dyes and assembled by fairies in a solar-powered factory in a naturally-occurring clearing at the heart of an old-growth forest.
11:10 – Finished up at the yoga studio. That yoga teacher is so hot! Incredible energy. Now I’m at a different vegan café. Time to detox with another vegan smoothie, but only after I find the perfect lighting so I can capture its deliciousness on camera. Sometimes, if you want things done right, you gotta do them yourself. #yogalife #bubyetoxins
12:07 – Respond to comments on Instagram – one emoji each. I’m way to busy to use actual words. But I have to engage my adoring audience. Thus: either “clapping hands” or “prayer hands” emojis for all. #timemanagement
12:40 – Watch a few inspirational videos on YouTube and think about how I really should polish my mission statement. Head to the unisex bathroom to do some affirmations in front of the mirror. #purposedriven
13:05 – Oops! It’s lunch time. I decide to order a quinoa salad, and wash it down with an ice-cold glass of beet juice. #tranformationloveandmagic
13:55 – Done eating. Pull out my laptop to write a long facebook post about the struggles of entrepreneurial life. If only people knew how much hard work is behind all the curated photos of my well-organized workspace…
14:10 – I’m so tense from thinking about the stress of my location-independent lifestyle that I decide to go home and relax in bed with a cup of organic chai made with free-range cinnamon and cruelty-free cloves. I quietly promise myself I’ll get to work eventually.
Detoxing so hard I’m bleeding from several orifices
17:20 – Oh no! I slept for almost three hours! I guess I won’t be getting to work today after all. It must be the yoga class that tired me out. Or maybe my body is detoxing so hard that my energy is lower than usual. Anyway, I’ve got time to write at least one more Facebook post about how sometimes it’s important (as a location independent, self-employed vegan entrepreneurial hustling machine) to take a day off to pamper yourself. You can’t work all the time, can you? #timeforsomemetime #selfcare
17:39 – Almost dinner time. I decide to snack on some delicious broccoli sprouts drizzled in balsamic vinegar made with only the finest of Tuscan grapes (who, it must be said, signed consent forms before being stomped). Is vinegar still vegan if the grapes have been stomped by Italian peasants’ feet? Or are they pressed somehow – hopefully between chunks of ethically-quarried local granite? I’ll have to ask my shaman. #spirituality
18:45 – Whew! What an exhausting day! I can barely get my dinner consisting of bites of tofu-cheese and sustainably-baked crackers into my mouth, my arms are so tired. Must be too much downward facing dog.
Gratitude, Schmatitude!
19:25 – Time for a little bit of gratitude journalling before I curl up in bed with a glass of my favorite cold-pressed pomegranate nectar to watch my favorite show: The Office. Of course, I’ve watched all the episodes so many times I know the dialogues by heart. But it reminds me how far I’ve come as a hustling entrepreneur. No more office life for me! Hm… what am I grateful for today? First: these delicious vegan oreos. Second: my 928 followers on Instagram, who wake up every morning wondering what I’m up to and looking to me for some influencer inspiration. Third: my parents, for paying my rent while I get my little social media agency off the ground. #romewasntbuiltinaday
20:20 – I don’t know how long I can stay awake. I’m exhausted! I hope there wasn’t a trace amount of egg in those vegan oreos I just ate. Last time I had a trace amount of egg, I could barely get out of bed for three days. Anyway, the hustle is supposed to be tiring. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. #cantknockit
21:40 – Just spent the last hour and a half mindlessly watching Insta Stories and now I’m feeling awful! Oh well. If only those other influencers were more real in their online lives. If only they were brave enough to tell it like it is. Maybe they don’t know what it’s really like to hustle like I do. By the way, has it really been three weeks since I quit my day job? Wow! Three weeks already! I can’t believe how far I’ve come in so little time.
21:42 – I wonder if Dad would spring for my plane ticket to Bali…
21:55 – I can barely keep my eyes open. Anyway, I congratulate myself on yet another productive day, and vow that tomorrow I’ll finally figure out how to start that blog. #goodnight
Is this really the end of the vegan entrepreneur’s story?
Definitely not.
Rest assured that tomorrow, they’ll be back with more wisdom. They didn’t even get around to their favorite Osho quotes in this one.
Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this little piece of sarcasm.
Every time I find someone on Insta who’s sold their house, moved to Bali, and started a dropshipping company, I think…
Why not?
I’m sure it’s a nice life.
Just don’t get the runs from eating all that fiber.
Carnivorously yours,
Mr Chorizo.
P.S. If you want the real story of what it takes to start a successful online business, check out my book, The Zen of Blogging. It’s about the real hustle: how I went from dead-broke English teacher to location-independent omnivore, author and blogger. Have fun!
P.P.S. Oh yeah, I’ve also got an article about eating horse meat, as well as one about my love for (cholesterol-heavy) Spanish cuisine. Enjoy…
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