I suppose every young writer has the same dream. I know I did, when I was younger, scribbling sonnets at 2 AM in my miserable suburban wasteland and dreaming of another life.
Someday, I’ll be be a published author. I’ll be somebody. The money will be nice. I’ll have a glamorous international lifestyle. I’ll be respected by millions for my talent and intellect.
But mostly, what all young writers are surely thinking is: someday beautiful women will pose naked with copies of my books.
Well, here you go, gentle reader. I’m batting in the big leagues now.
If there’s one thing better than seeing your name printed on the cover of a book, it’s seeing that book covering a woman’s breasts.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Venus O’Hara. The second-sexiest redhead in Spain, showing off her impeccable taste in English methods… Available on Amazon.es, Amazon.com, iTunes, and in PDF on Gumroad.
The Union Jack is a nice touch, don’t you think? And those glasses! So naughty…
Who you callin’ a pervert?
I first found out about the talented Ms O’Hara when I came across a copy of her book Inglés para pervertidos in a local bookshop.
Of course, every horny young English teacher has thought about it more than once–instead of teaching “Do you prefer meat, or fish?” why not teach “Do you prefer missionary position, or doggy style?”
Instead of “I’d like to see that film” we could teach “I’d like to see you naked”.
In the end, grammar is grammar, and putting some more exciting content into the mix makes things a lot more memorable.
We all know that learning language in bed is more fun and more effective than some lame-ass flashcard method. I even explained it in my bestseller 6 Claves Para Aprender Inglés (that’s the one over Ms O’Hara’s left breast–remember: your right, her left.)
Well, ideas are one thing and execution is another. Ms O’Hara made a whole English method based on sexy sentences to use in the bedroom. The book teaches us how to discuss all kinds of kinky sex acts – with plenty of pictures of Venus herself!
It’s also pretty educational for me as an English speaker.
Do you need to know how to say “rim job” in Spanish? I sure don’t!
But now, I know anyway. And I can impress my friends with my in-depth knowledge of the Spanish language. In case you’re interested, it’s “beso negro”.
Fetish is the new black
In fact, O’Hara is on the front lines of Sex Ed here in Spain. I met her in Madrid, where she was giving a reading about orgasms. Why not?
As the nation’s número uno among sex bloggers, she’s teaching women about pleasure, men about foreplay, and everyone about their fetishes.
I have to admit that just contemplating some of the fetishes in her glossary makes me a bit uncomfortable. I guess I just “figured my sexuality out” back in the 90s, when having fetishes meant you were some kind of weirdo or sex-crazed degenerate.
But since Fifty Shades of Grey made even fisting and BDSM boring and pedestrian, fetishes are much more mainstream.
Hey, even your mom probably has some fetishes! Not that I’d know.
Some of the fetishes are strange… An armpit fetish? She’s obviously never smelled mine. A balloon fetish? Why?
On the other hand, some are quite mundane… Mismatched underwear? Meh… Ankles? It’s not the 1890s anymore!
Sploshing? Well, it’s not as disgusting as it sounds. It apparently involves licking cake batter off a (consenting) partner’s feet, or something similar. I guess I like cake batter.
Of course, other things besides fetishes have gone from weird to mainstream in the last decade or so. Tattoos, and more recently, neck tattoos have gone from being the sole territory of bottom-of-society ex-cons to being just another fashion accessory for hipsters.
Will sploshing be the next big thing?
Will we soon see young people having a splosh in the park or on the metro? Only time will tell!
La Máscara de Venus
Venus’ latest book is an erotic memoir. It definitely takes some serious ovaries to write a memoir, and much more if it’s erotic!
Entitled La máscara de Venus, he book takes us from her days as an innocent young student till the present, and explains her evolution from broke-ass English teacher in Barcelona to model and sex symbol. I can certainly relate, especially with the sex symbol part.
Being broke, on the other hand, is so 2010.
Even more good news is that now, anyone can benefit from her extensive knowledge. She has a video blog on Antena 3, where she’s La Sex Teacher. See Cómo usar un vibrador en casa de tus padres y qué hacer con una pérdida de deseo sexual, and a couple of Preguntas sobre la masturbación y el sexo oral.
Her blog on El País is very widely read, even appearing from time to time in the top ten Más Leídos on ElPais.com–See, for example Ocho motivos para masturbarse (as if anybody needs 8 reasons) or Protocolo para infieles.
And ladies, if you’re looking for a sex toy, check out the extensive vibrator reviews on her personal blog.
Ms O’Hara lives and works in Barcelona, which is good for her, because there’s not enough room in Madrid for another explosively sexy redhead. I, gentle reader, have got that shit on lockdown.
Keep it real out there… If you’re doing the nasty, wrap it up tight! And remember to put down some plastic sheeting if you’re going to be pouring cake batter on a loved one.
Until next time, I’m out.
Mr Chorizo AKA Mr Daniel.
P.S. What are some of your fetishes? Leave me a comment!
P.P.S. I had the chance to interview Venus recently for another article. These days, she’s more of a sex toy tester, which also sounds like a lot of fun. Check it out, right here: interview with sex toy tester Venus O’Hara.