So I hear they’re publishing a version of Huckleberry Finn with the word “slave” replacing the infamous “n-word”.
Well, a good citizen asks, why stop there?
Here are my proposals for a cleaner, fresher English language, that leaves your breath minty and your mouth feeling cool.
ONE: Remove the word “Okie” from “The Grapes of Wrath.” Steinbeck may have been a great American author, but he was writing in a time when people from Oklahoma were treated unfairly. Now that we live in a more enlightened society, we should change the literature of previous ages to show our respect for the enormous contributions that Oklahoman persons have made to America.
TWO: Remove the -man/men suffix from the word “woman” and “women” in all media. In spoken language, the pronunciation will still differ between singular and plural. In writing, it may be more convenient to use “a woperson” and “several wopeople.”
THREE: Prohibit all works by John Updike, as his surname may be considered offensive to members of the dyke community (those residents of New Orleans whose houses were destroyed when the dykes holding back the Mississippi river burst.) Additionally, his novels frequently portray sexual intercourse between men and wopeople without the appropriate apology for heterosexism in the introduction, the neutral article “ze,” and the use of gender-neutral words “appendage” and “orifice” used to describe genitalia.
FOUR: Remove all mentions of the word “dinosaur” from the American constitution, as it is well-known that the founding fathers didn’t believe in them. Dinosaurs were only added to the constitution during the Clinton years as part of the 33rd amendment, in which the teachings of Barney the Purple Dinosaur were made part of mandatory curricula.
Thank you. I’ll see you in the land of tomorrow!